There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
