this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize