I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
