dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
