remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
