ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sober January is a disaster.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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