so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
