just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
