My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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