I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
