Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
