Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
