I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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