my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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