We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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