you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
