I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is Oprah even human
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
