turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
