Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
