i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
