My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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