i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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