i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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