she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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