that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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