Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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