I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
