i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
