I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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