is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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