I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
