I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
