in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
