Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
