Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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