you turned your livingroom into a bong?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
