fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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