This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I smell stomach acid.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
