you have to choose: penises or morals?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
