so explain again why im purple
no
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You dont lie about slip and slides
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She needs sedatives and a leash
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
