his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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