I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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