bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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