Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
