3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
