I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
