a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Sorry my hands just texted you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
