i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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