I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
