I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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