nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
