Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
