I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
