sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
