Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Vodka?
Forever.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
