nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
