Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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